Thriceraven's Book of Shadows

March Full Moon

2008-03-23T21:57:00.002-04:00

This full moon I found myself reading a book about true-life recent militarism and politics and stupid decisions made by those in power who should know better. I'll spare the details, but I'm sure any readers could fill in their own blanks. It made me depressed and angry and stupified at the sort of world I live in.

I then went to bed with my love P. I was sad because I was feeling agitated and depressed when I wanted to be focusing him and the good things in life. I told him a bit about what I was reading and he half-jokingly apologized on behalf of the the male of our species.

That joking comment made me think. It was true -- all that I had read about in this book were men making poor decisions. Now, I've been around long enough to know that bad judgement is not the sole property of those with Y chromosomes, but I feel like men in groups tend to make certain kinds bad decisions regularly. Women in large groups have a different set of bad habits. I think they might lead to fewer lethal consequences than those of groups of men.

It made me think about my own two men. They are definitely men -- they have many of the same qualities that then men in the book I was reading had. They have pissing contests and all of those other things that can be so maddening about guy behaviour. But they certainly aren't making decisions like those I had been reading about did. Granted, they aren't in the place of authority those men were, either. My men treat me beautifully and show me great love and respect. What makes them different? Are they different? Do the men I was reading about have other sides to them? Do they make decisions at work that cause pain and suffering to multitudes of people, then go home and make love to their wives with gentleness and passion? Do they also make someone deleriously happy?

It was these thoughts that I had as I tried to relax and enjoy my lover. Eventually I did, and I feel asleep happy but still comtemplating the nature of men and women, and how perhaps one is needed to balance the other.

-Thriceraven

Ostara

2008-03-21T23:30:00.002-04:00

This Ostara, I didn't do a ritual, even though I am finally in my new room, complete with outdoor access to nifty rooftop ritual space, and my altar/trunk nearby with all of my witchy stuff. It's been a terribly cold March so far, so the outdoor space wouldn't have been ideal. And anyway, I stayed up far too late with my family doing something almost as good.

My famly has decided to create a fantasy world for our children -- one with fantastical lands and people, and where they get to be characters. We've each decided to create one 'country' and to give others to people close to our kids to create. We started a prelimiary map, and each of us have great ideas as to what we want our people to be like.

I think each of us have really gotten into the creative process, and we've spent a lot of time talking about it over the last couple of days. Hopefully we will have years ahead of us telling stories to our little ones about their bold exploits.

-Thriceraven

February Full Moon

2008-02-27T00:14:00.002-05:00

This full moon, there was a beautiful full lunar eclipse. The night sky was clear, and we always have a beautiful view of the moon from our south-facing house. We all went out several times to watch the eclipse progress and let S stay up a bit late to see it begin. It was bitterly cold, so we never stayed out long.

In the early stages of the eclipse I did searches on the 'net to find out the symbolism of lunar eclipses. Practically everything I found was negative. One can understand why. As I watched the eclipse take hold, I imagined how frightening it must have been for ancient people -- their predictable and constant friend, the moon, being consumed in a most aggressive way. I can imagine the panic that might take hold, with people pointing it out to one another with fear. I also imagine an elderly man or woman of the tribe quelling the fear, saying they have seen this before, and assuring their kin that the moon would return later that night.

But from a personal standpoint, I reject the evil connatations of lunar eclipses -- I find them facsinating and beautiful. I found other references to eclipses fortelling large changes in the world, but this didn't really speak to me either.

When the eclipse was about ten minutes shy of complete, all of the adult members of my household bundled up and went outside to watch it end. As the moon disappeared, I poured a libation of red wine on the ground to the Goddess in all of her varied forms. All of us then drank from the cup before I offerred the rest to the Goddess.

-Thriceraven

Imbolc

2008-02-06T23:40:00.000-05:00

I wonder whether Imbolc will be forever marred by what happened a year ago.

I have been thinking about it a lot lately -- more than usual, and even that is plenty. I have found myself crying over it at inoportune intervals, and even hating my job (which is going better than ever!) for its role in my decision.

But somehow, I sort of forgot about it for Imbolc. I was planning on going to a party that night and generally having a good time. I think sometimes a deep part of my psyche (or the Goddess, which are probably one and the same) purposely make me forget things in order to bring them up again at a more psychically important moment, and when I am least ready for them.

I was at work on the Saturday afternoon, hurriedly processing stuff so I could be done in time for the party. I was idly thinking about what the party would be like, what clothes I should put my son in, and whether I should try to do a ritual after the party, or whether I should just enjoy the company of friends to celebrate the day. I was also listening to one of my favourite podcasts, called the Irish and Celtic Music podcast.

I always love when this podcast comes up on my iPod. The music always makes me feel good, and occasionally makes me cry. (Yes, at the same time.) I heard a song I have never heard before, though I have recently Wikipedia'd it and found it is quite traditional and exists in many versions.

(And here I come to a choice: I'm not sure I'm ready to overtly talk about what happened one year ago on this blog. There are posts from around a year ago that discuss it in plain language that I have saved but never posted. I am not ashamed, only hurting, and it is difficult enough to think about, let alone to write about. I could name the songI heard, and readers would surmise what happened or assume even worse. By not naming the song, I run the risk of forgetting what I am talking about when I look back at this post in times to come. It is times like these where it is unclear who I am writing for -- myself or random readers out there. But truthfully, I doubt I will forget the song now that I have heard it -- it is burned into my memory.)

I heard the song. It made me think and it made me cry. I am still struggling with this and will be for a very long time.

Yesterday was the anniversay itself. It was a very difficult day, but my lovers and A took care of me very well. I found I was just trying to distract myself, rather than trying to work through any emotions. I feel like there just aren't any new emotions to work through -- it's just very, very hard. There were things to think about and work through at the beginning, and I had some very key and long-lasting insights. And, of course, I don't rule out other insights coming out of this experience in the future. But, for now, all the growth and insights are over now, and I am left with only sorrow. I like to try to see difficult times as growth experiences and opportunities for life's lessons to make themselves known. It is hard for me to sit back and admit that this is just hardship, plain and simple, and must just be survived.

Some day it will be all behind me, and I will have here with me what I most long for.

-Thriceraven

January Full Moon

2008-01-25T23:59:00.000-05:00

There was too much work to be done to make this esbat particularly rich with meaning, but there were a couple experiences and realizations that meant it wasn't a total waste.

As I was coming home from work, very late at night I walked with the moon pouring light down upon me. It was a very cold and very clear night, and I felt the the beautiful white glow flow through the top of my head, into my body, right down to my fingers and toes. I felt revitalized. In the city, where the stars are obscured, the moon is still present and so welcome. It made up somewhat for my inability to get home in time for any really meaningful practice.

My second realization happened as I was going to sleep. I was thinking about my son, and how I am in the early stages of trying to wean him. I was thinking about how hard it was going to be for me. I really enjoy nursing him and haven't tired of it yet, but I think he is getting to the age where it is time to begin the process. My realization was that part of my reluctance to wean him comes from a fear that our good relationship is based on the nursing relationship and that, when he is weaned, we will no longer have that closeness. This realization makes me feel selfish. I also think it is likely unfounded. But, it is significant for me to realize these fears as I begin this life-changing shift that is going to be very important for both he and I.

The other significant progress I made took until the next day to ferment, but when it did it excited me greatly. I have been thinking for some time now that I had to find something bigger than my life to dedicate some time to. I am feeling a great need to try to affect the politics of my world in a positive way -- to fulill the missing crone-hood of my psyche . I think I've come up with a unique idea that has the potential to have an impact. I have to explore it a little more, but I am unwilling not to take action, and I think the idea is a good one. I am looking forward to making it happen.

-Thriceraven

Yule and December Full Moon

2007-12-25T00:16:00.000-05:00

I had a very interesting Yule this year.

First, I had to go and pick up my glasses after getting them repaired. (Z decided they looked better without one arm.) The shop was closed for a few minutes when I got out there, so I decided to go into the local library branch nearby to wait.

I wandered around looking for something to read for a few minutes. My hand fell upon a book by a witch named Starhawk. (You might be getting a bit of sense of deja-vu here. I certainly did. I had another spiritual experience that I blogged about with a different book by the same author at the same library, waiting for the same glasses lady to open her shop.) I have always liked her books. I sat down with it to flip through it.

I came across a simple sentence that outlined by name the 4 elements -- earth, air, fire and water. All of a sudden I was blindsided by the memory of a dream from a few days previous. It was an intensely profound dream and after I awoke from it I told myself to remember it so I could think about its meaning. But dreams are capricious things, and it didn't come back to me until that moment.

In my dream I was in an outdoor place that contained the entrances to four underground places. These weren't caverns -- they were finished like houses but one accessed them by descending a staircase. As I travelled around, I came to realize several things. First, that these four places corresponded to the four elements. I also understood that I was to make a choice between them. I have no idea what the choice would mean. There was some possibility that I could come back later and make my choice, but there was some reason that my choice would be better made today.

It seemed very important that I make the right choice. I visited each of Fire, Air and Earth places several times. For some reason, I never went to Water. In each there were several women of varying ages going about various tasks. I don't remember what the tasks were in Fire or Air. In Earth, there were basically two things going on. The first was weaving. There were women of all ages working on looms -- card looms, heddle looms that filled a room, lap rooms that made narrow but beautiful fabric. There were rooms full floor to ceiling of skeins of beautifully coloured yarn and thread. Women were teaching each other, or chatting while they worked, or working in rooms contemplatively alone.

The second thing that was going on was a tonne of female sexuality. Women everywhere were kissing and caressing one another. It was all done sensually and with great caring, but also with great passion. Sometimes, the women at the looms would cease chatting and fall to kissing one another instead, their looms left with abandon.

After much thinking and soul-searching, I chose Earth. As soon as I did, I was filled with a sense of peace and serenity about my choice. That was the end of my dream.

I feel like this is layered with so many meanings it is difficult to know where to begin. I have never felt a great affinity with any of the elements in particular. I have a close affinity with my Sun sign, Scorpio, which is a Water sign. I have also felt some affinity with Air, for its connection to power through knowledge. In some ways, Earth might have been my last choice. In the system I know and feel in my heart, each of the elements is connected to a vast but different source of power. As I mentioned, Air is the power through knowledge. Fire is power through passion, and Water is the power through time, like a river carving a canyon over eons. But Earth is just the power from overt strength -- from vastness and deep muscle, like the strength of a bear. Of all of the kinds of power, this is the one I feel least akin to.

Then again, the Earth is the patron of herb lore, which I have always felt an affinity for. And I have always felt at home in the forest and amongst growing things. I have never felt an ability or feeling for crystal magick, but have always felt awe at the life inherent in the rocks and stones of the Earth. (I spent my summers growing up in the woods of the Canadian Shield.) The Earth governs the Will, which I like. As well, it is the element that governs motherhood.

And then there is the weaving. I have always loved Guy Gavriel Kay's metaphorical use of weaving in his Fionavar Tapestry. In his world, there are many gods and goddesses, but over them all is the Weaver at the Loom, the supreme being that holds the threads of all lives and weaves them into the Tapestry that is the world. Also, weaving is one of those human trades that has an alchemical quality to it -- like brewing or vintning, it is the near magickal transformation of one thing -- spun yarn -- into something completely different -- a textile that is exteremly useful and fundamentally different from its starting materials. I have the rudimentary beginnings of a tablet weaver and have been enthralled by the grace and beauty of the craft and the complexity possible with such simple tools. That weaving may be a metaphor for my life makes perfect sense -- now I just have to puzzle out all the layers -- or threads, I suppose -- of what that means.

I feel like this is the most profound dream I have ever had and that it might be a watershed moment in my life -- something I have been building toward for some time. I don't know precisely what I should do with it yet, but I feel it might have deep and evolving meanings for me as time goes on.

For now, I begin small. If weaving is to be a grand spiritual metaphor for my life, I had better understand the ins and outs of it. I have begun tablet weaving with a new vigour. My technical skill and understanding of the way it works have vastly improved, and I am finding the making both relaxing and intellectually stimulating. I have lots of plans to make lots of things and love figuring out the process I will need to do for each.

But, to get back to my Yule: After my revelation in the library, and still in somewhat of a daze, I walked to the store and picked up my glasses. (No charge for the repair, she told me -- it's Christmas.) She had some customers waiting, so I told her I would go shopping and come back in a few minutes. I went to the dollar store across the road and as I walked I planned my ritual for the evening -- where I would light a candle and let it burn through the night, asking for insight into my dream. At the entrance to the store, there was a display of red, green and white votive candles exactly the right size and shape to be burned to extinguishing. I chose the only green one that had it's wick dyed green as well as the candle. Green for my Earth-choice, of course. I paid my 57 cents and tucked in my purse, then picked up my repaired glasses.

That evening, we were invited to H's house in the market for a lovely goose dinner. L and Z terrorized her cat while we ate, then we headed out to the market Solstice celebration in the park. We went last year as well -- there is drumming and stilt-walkers and fire-eaters and fire-jugglers, and it all culminates in the burning of a huge wooden sculpture built for the occasion. Last year, it was a stylized fire. This year, it was a bear, raising its head to spit flames into the sky. It was a wonderful event. The same as last year, L watched the whole thing is quiet and thoughtful awe. (A few days later, on Christmas Eve, I took him with A to a Christmas Eve service. He wanted to go home and seemed a bit frightened to be there. He calmed down eventually, but still wiggled and continually asked 'All done?' after each hymn. The contrast with his mood in at the Yule celebration was striking.)

On the way from work to H's for dinner I walked with my love P and told him about my dream. He found it as profound as I did. I planned my ceremony for later with the expectation I was going to be sleeping alone (it was my turn). But near bedtime, my lover P came to visit me in the shower with a bow in his hair. Apparently P had made me a gift -- she sent my love P to sleep with me that night as a Yule present. It was very sweet of her. I cast a formal circle with my lover P present, celebrated Yule, honoured P for her gift to me and asked for help with understanding my dream. We sealed the celebration and the request by making love in the circle -- I joy which I had never experienced. It was beautiful. The next morning, my candle had burned its wick through -- a good omen.

A few days later was the December Full Moon. I was out of sorts -- I only realized it was the Esbat late in the evening and didn't feel up to planning or doing any sort of ritual. I was restless and wanted to begin weaving, but I had lost my two reference books, and working without them is still somewhat difficult. (I am still a beginner.) I have been looking for them since Pennsic -- the last place I had woven -- and had scoured our bookshelves and the totes we take the Pennsic. I had also asked every member of my household to keep their eyes open for them. I was looking for them again, feeling restless and annoyed. I mentioned what I was looking for to A and she said that she was sure she had seen them recently. She popped downstairs and brough them up to me. I began weaving the next night.

Could it be possible that my books had been staying away from me until I had my dream, so that the understanding I am getting of the techniques and styles of weaving will have more meaning to the metaphors of my life?

-Thriceraven

Too little computer time

2007-12-05T01:16:00.000-05:00

I have been a poorly blogging witch lately. I hope to do better. I am getting very little computer time lately.

Some interesting things are happening in my spiritual life, however. A re-shuffling of bedrooms in my house means that I am switching rooms. This is significant -- although I'm just moving next door, my new room has access to a rooftop through a window. I have used this rooftop before (when it was P&P's room and I slept there sometimes) as ritual space and have really enjoyed it. I plan on using it very often once I move in. Just waiting for a bit of renovations to get finished in there. I have been heartbroken with my lack of space to conduct ritual. Of course, this rooftop is outdoors and so not excellent for winter, it's still something. It also faces north, the direction I prefer to face during ritual, and faces on to our back alley, so a few candles and a naked witch will likely go largely unnoticed.

I am also exploring an interesting personal affinity I have discovered for the herb lavendar. It speaks to me of motherhood in a very powerful way. This has something to do with the love that the kids and I have of the lavendar that grows down the street and with the lavendar baby soap I love to use on Liam. I am hoping to have a lavendar plant in my new bedroom.

In addition, I was thrilled recently when my family member A offered to make me a satchel to carry while I gave a stressful and important seminar at work. I was touched that she thought to do so, and I truly believe that it helped me. I have kept it for future use.

On a less happy note, I am trying to sort out my feelings about my family's decision to make Christmas a special family holiday. This decision is based exclusively on a secular idea of the importance of family holidays (only one of the adults in the house identifies as a Christian, and although intensely spiritual she is conflicted about the church) and on the fact our culture gives time off around this time of year and not at other times. This brings up all sorts of questions in my mind about how we portray faith in general to our kids, and whether and how I introduce my faith to our kids. I don't have any clear answers to these questions.

--Thriceraven

July Full Moon

2007-08-16T01:16:00.000-04:00

Tonight, under a beautiful moon, P took me out to make love on a cloak in the grass by the water and a watching willow tree. It was beautiful. He bade me watch the moon as he loved me, and I lost myself in the magick of it. I am so blessed.

-Thriceraven

Midsummer's Eve

2007-08-16T00:51:00.000-04:00

My household has experienced an unpredendented winter and spring of sickness. We are normally healthy people, but I have been to the emergency room twice for my husband and once for my son recently. Z has also made a couple of trips, and we all seem to be constantly sick. I decided it was time to do something.

Recently, H offered me some peppermint out of her garden. It was running wild, and I was happy to take it. I haven't worked with herbs in so long, and it felt so good to glean the leaves from the stems and dry it on my windowsill. The work felt good in my hands.

So this batch of peppermint is the only herb in my house right now that I have gathered and prepared myself. It seemed fitting that I used it for my ritual. Also, peppermint has always seemed a health tonic to me -- it is my herbal tea of choice most days and seems to me to aid in digestion and a sunny outlook on the world.

My ritual was very simple. I made a pot of peppermint tea, with all of the healthy visions I could muster, and asked my whole family to drink some. S had a cup, L had sips, and I gave Z a medicine dropper full. All of the adults drank and I poured some in the dog water bowl, though I did spare the fish.

Here's hoping it will work,
-Thriceraven

June Full Moon

2007-08-16T00:39:00.000-04:00

I went to an SCA event today, and had a beautiful time.

I actually felt like I looked beautiful, which is rare for me, and was told so by two men who are not my partners. I talked with friends. I walked in the woods while my son fell asleep in my arms. It was a delightful day.

-Thriceraven

May Blue Moon

2007-06-04T01:22:00.000-04:00

Two minor things from this last full moon:

The first was during a mundane moment at work. I was concentrating on a trivial part of my experiments and thinking about the seminar I had given a few days before. I thought about how I was tired of presenting hopes and plans and failures. Then, unbidden, I thought, "That's the last time I'm going to have to feel like that."

I have some promising work going on right now. Let's hope my premonition is right.

The other was that my family member A asked me to send some good calming vibes to her and her old friend/possible romantic partner. I did so, as best I could.

-Thriceraven

May Full Moon

2007-05-14T22:35:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago, my family member A asked me for advice on a ritual she wanted to write. She is a devout, if conflicted, Christian and so isn't used to writing rituals for herself, although she has a great facility for prayer. She was working on some personal issues with her choices and the role her upbringing has played in those choices. I told her what I could and that she should let me know if there was anything else I could do.

A couple weeks later, she emailed me her ritual. It was beautifully written and full of meaning. She also asked if I would attend as her witness. I was honoured.

I started an email back to her, telling her how much I liked her ritual and that I would be happy to be a part of it. I also had some suggestions. I started in, and went on for pages and pages, about setting up a mindset with which to create ritual space, preparing oneself for ritual and about treatment of ritual objects. I had no idea how much experience I had amassed in the art of accomplishing ritual, just by practicing and making mistakes and reading and trying again. She told me my suggestions were enormously helpful.

A few days later, on the full moon, another friend E asked me to do a ritual with her to alleviate what she considers to be a curse upon her life. I talked to her about what she wanted, and she said she was no good at writing ritual. I told her I could write it for her if she wanted.

Suddenly, people I care about very much were coming to me for spiritual guidance. I have no formal training in this area. My faith and practice as a witch, with very few exceptions, had only ever really been for myself before. Not only that, I have no ritual space and haven't cast a circle in a very long time. I felt honoured but ill equipped to help my friends with their life-altering spiritual problems.

The rituals both occurred last weekend. A's went very well indeed -- it felt powerful and good. E's went well as well, but since I wrote it for her I don't know if it was what she needed or not. Only time will tell I suppose.

These experiences have made it seem more important to find a space for ritual for myself. It would be wonderul for my own spiritual health and practice, and I would be in practice if asked for my expertise again. I just don't know where I am going to do it.

-Thriceraven

Beltane

2007-05-01T22:23:00.000-04:00

Beltane is one of my favourite ritual days. If you think of the year as having two seasons, summer and winter, summer begins with Beltane and ends on Samhain. One those nights, many believe that our world is more open to the world of spirits. I have always felt it to be so.

Also, Beltane is the great fertility festival in the Wiccan year. According to my practice, it is when the Year-That-Is-Goddess has reached her maturity, and forsakes the virginhood we celebrated at Ostara and accept the God as her lover. She is in transition from Maiden to the Mother that will bear her fruit at Lammas. It is the Goddess and God at their most sexual.

Again, I had a very low-key celebration. I had a good day at work, and then, when my son was asleep, went to the park and just sat with my love P. We talked a bit. I listed off things I am thinking about the working on -- my work, dealing more closely with my old boss, relationship worries within our house -- but mostly we just enjoyed the weather and the togetherness.

Later, I was doing some reading ont the 'net and ran across Doreen Valiente's list of 8 virtues embraced by witches. This is from her Charge of the Goddess, which I highely recommend as reading for anyone interested on the subject. I had read of these before but had forgotten about them a bit. They are: mirth, reverence, honour, humility, strength, beauty, power and compassion. Reading them again, I thought, "I am so glad I found this faith. These are virtues I can really believe in -- can really sink my teeth into." It was a good feeling.

Then at bedtime, I had the priviledge and joy of wonderful lovemaking with my lover P. This went nicely with the lovely night I had had with my lover W the night before. What a lucky little witch I am!

-Thriceraven

April Full Moon

2007-04-05T23:10:00.000-04:00

I had a very low-key Esbat a couple of days ago. With all of the heavy spiritual work I have been doing lately, I needed it.

That night, I sat and sang songs that make us happy with a group of friends. I heard new songs created by them, and we sang old songs filled with memories. My son was so good -- he listened and drew pictures while we sang and was altogether well-behaved and delightful.

It is good to frequently feel contentment again.

-Thriceraven

Ostara

2007-04-02T00:49:00.000-04:00

After all that I have been through in the last couple of months I decided one of my goals was to reconnect to my body and listen again to what it is telling me. I thought that Ostara, the festival of the Maiden would be the perfect time for some activities to represent this goal.

Even though Ostara fell on a Tuesday, I managed to plan a lovely day. I went to work for awhile, but treated myself to much better coffee than usual, letting myself really enjoy the flavour. I was also careful not to drink too much. I was looking to be good to my body, and too much caffeine would have defeated that purpose.

After a bit of work my love P and I went out for a great lunch. We went to a vegetarian restaurant that specializes in juices and good for you but very tasty food. We talked and ate. I rarely allow myself the time to eat lunch, let alone on a date to a restaurant, with food that is good for my body to boot. It was absolutely delightful.

The crowning event of the day came after work, when I went to a yoga class. I haven't done yoga for years, since before I was pregnant with my son. I used to love it and go whenever I could. It was so nice -- the class was challenging and I felt it's effects in my body for days afterward. I dream of the day when my kids are grown a bit and I can do a yoga practice every morning, and go to classes at least once a week.

-Thriceraven

March Full Moon

2007-03-14T22:54:00.000-04:00

This full moon, I had lots of thoughts about parenting.

In the morning, I went to work for a couple of hours. I was listening to the radio, as I usually do, and the interview was with a Franciscan priest who uses music to reach out to people. The interviewer asked for an example of where he found that music reached someone where nothing else could have, and the priest surprised the interviewer by launching into a protest song concerning what I went through last month. It was a very poignant song -- I physically winced at a couple of points. I sat there and cried and cried.

It was then that I realized I hadn't really gotten over what had happened and what I had done, but was just pushing it away. I decided to call for the counselling that had been offered to me. I had my first appointment a couple of days ago, and it was draining, but enormously helpful. I will post more about this later.

The rest of the day was happier. We had planned to go to an event and were driving T and M and their kids, a family we have known for awhile but are getting to know better now. We piled into the van and set off. I was really looking forward to spending the day with my son, and he just loves events.

T is a wonderful mother, and has had a rough go lately. She had just gotten back to work after maternity leave and got very ill. She's been at home battling illness and trying to look after her toddler. She is better now and is heading back to work soon. Right now, she is in a place where she craves more grown-up time than she is getting.

I chased L around all day and had a wonderful time. He had a bit of a meltdown at suppertime, but generally all of our kids did great and really enjoyed themselves.

On the way home, T and I compared notes. She had had quite a frustrating day, with not enough time to socialize with adults she doesn't see very often.

Really, she and I had spent our days pretty much the same way. L might have been a bit happier generally than her kids, but not all that much. What, then, caused such a difference in our perceptions of the day?

The answer is clear. I went to the event expressly to spend time with my little one, knowing he would enjoy it. It was my time with him. If I got some adult fun time, so much the better, but it's not what I was after really. T and I are in very different places, me as a working mom and she at home so it's not surprising our viewpoints are different.

This made me think about the plan I have recently been following to govern my life. I have decided that, in general, I am either at work, or looking after my son. Only when he sleeps do I get non-work time to myself. I feel this is vital to my role as his Mama -- I want to be one of his primary caregivers. I want to be one of the main people who teaches him about the world.

But this full moon, I realized how much this plan is working for me. Rather than a duty, it is a joy to go to work, a joy to care for L, then a joy to enjoy my time off. I look forward to each without dreading any of it, or growing tired of any of it. It is a happiness to split my time this way.

-Thriceraven

January Full Moon

2007-01-04T22:39:00.000-05:00

My thoughts have been consumed in three major areas this full moon. Generally, it feels like a great period of personal growth and greater self-understanding.

First, on the day of the full moon, I had a brainstorm about my work. I was reading some recent papers I hadn't read before, thinking about my work in relation to the work of these other researchers. I hit upon something that I think needs to be investigated and, even better, I have the tools to do so.

My hunch could be all wrong, of course. I'm working now to do the experiments to test my hypothesis. The revelation from this process comes from the way my new hypothesis affected me. My pulse raced, and I could feel myself getting flushed. I talked to myself and made copious notes. I found myself sitting in my chair, my eyes raised, going through experimental possibilities at a feverish pace.

My December meeting with my committee I learned that they will help me find a new project if I need one. In other words, I don't need this to work desperately -- I will get something else to work on if this doesn't pan out. That means that my elation had solely to do with the fact I was enjoying the process of hypothesizing and planning. It made me remember that I love this process, no matter the difficulties I have been through and that I am doing what I should be doing with my professional life.

The other thought-provoking process I have been undertaking is seemingly much more mundane. A conversation in a pub with a friend (U, a fellow pagan, in fact) led to us complaining about out desire for a more environmentally friendly method of dealing with our periods than the mainstream pads or tampons. My love P suggested trying a reusable menstrual cup. After this, I looked into it and asked about them the next time I was in our neighbour C's store. They were a bit pricey but, of course would pay for themselves in only a few months and anyway they came with a money-back guarantee. I bought one, a silicone one called the Diva Cup.

My period started around the full moon and I pulled my cup out to try it. I am officially in love. It is so comfortable, and contrary to what you might think, is much neater and cleaner than pads or tampons. (I related this to my love W and he said he finds gaping wounds to be less gross that dirty bandages. I think this might be a similar idea.) You can also wear it for 12h without risk of toxic shock -- a very freeing concept -- and it has leaked hardly at all. I feel like I have lost that uncomfortable ewwww-gross-I'm-on-my-period feeling. (I highly recommend this product to any women out there!)

I wish I found this option long ago and I can't believe it's not more widely known. This revelation may seem like a small thing, but don't underestimate the joy of finding an easy solution to a near-lifelong trial. As well, I have always felt somewhat guily resenting a process that is so natural and intrinsic to my being, and which is necessary for my fertility, a beautiful and important part of myself.

More importantly, this has brought a further feeling of growth and figuring-life-out. There seem to me to be times in your life when you are figuring things out at a fast-and-furious pace, and, for me at least, there is such a feeling of pride in accomplishment that accompanies those phases. Whether its a serious lesson about life and life, or just learning a better way to do a task, I always feel like I'm on a trajectory to better self-fulfillment during these times.

Lately, I have lacked that feeling. It been a long time since I figured out something profound about myself, or even learned a new lab technique or taken a class in something new. And it's not as if I have a sense of having everything figured out right now --far from it. In fact, I am plagued with doubts and questions (more on that below). This new way of dealing with menstruation, although it seems a little thing, gave me a little of that "now I know better how to deal with this" feeling. In addition, I can feel better about my impact on the environment, am free of supporting large corporations that use all manner of nasty chemicals on products that come into contact with my body and feel neater and cleaner. In addition, this makes it much more convenient for any spells I wish to do that require menstrual blood. (I have only ever done such a spell once. Menstrual blood, being of the body and with the added bonus of the symbolism that comes with fertility and purification, is one of the most potent magickal substances that exists according to my practice. It is the counterpart of the male semen, and both are hugely powerful. I used my own menstrual blood in a ritual when W and I were about to try and get pregnant. I would only use it for the most important work. The spell worked, apparently -- I got pregnant with my son the first month I tried.)

The third thing that has lead to my feelings of personal growth recently is that I am reading Living my Life, the biography of Emma Goldman, the prominent feminist and anarchist from the turn of last century. It was given to me by E on my birthday, and I am just now getting around to reading it. This is important for many reasons. Emma Goldman lived life so fully and passionately it is inspiring to read about it. She measured her actions against her ideals and tried to match the two in all she did. She tried to make a difference in the world and, equally important to her were the maintenance of love and beauty in her life.

As she sat down to write her autobiography at the end of her life, she could have wriiten solely on her work, and where it had taken her and what she had accomplished. It would have made a complete and full book, and would have been fascinating. But she didn't solely focus on this. She talked as much about how she felt about the people in her life -- her love and trials of a very personal and emotional nature -- as she did about her politics. For her, they were intimately interwoven.

I feel a kinship with E.G. on this level. Like her, I feel I am "woven of many skeins". I need to spend my time doing many different things to feel complete. Lately I have been plagued with questions about how I spend my time. I worry daily about whether I am spending enough time at work (and doing the right things while I'm there) and whether I am spending enough time with my family. When I look back on my life, will I wish I spent more time with my son, or will I be looking back at a career that suffered because I spent too much time with my family and wasn't dedicated enough to my work? Related to this are deeper questions: Who am I? Am I the mother, the lover, the wife, the friend, the witch, the confidant, or the scientist? Of course I know I am all of these things, but to what degree, and how do they interact? I feel like I am often at sea worrying about these things.

I find solace in reading E.G.'s biography that she grappled with many of the same things I am as well. In addition, I identify with her concept that the personal is political -- that all we do influences all of the other things we are involved in. I know this to be true -- I am a better mother when I am also spending some time thinking about experiments and my experiments are easier to focus on when I have had lots of time wih my little guy. Remembering these things day to day is the hard part, and forgiving myself for not having machine-like endurance to be and do all is even harder.

(And maybe the realizations I have gotten from this book will remind me I am happier and more centred when I make time read interesting books as well.)

All in all, I feel like I am getting a handle on things more and more. And that's a really nice feeling to have.

-Thriceraven

A realization

2007-01-02T22:29:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, my son got suddenly harder to put to sleep. Previously he would let me know when he was tired by asking for a nurse and pointing at the stairs, then would happily say goodnight to people. Then we would go up stairs and he would (usually) nurse contentedly to sleep.

Gradually, the process became more difficult. He would still ask to go to bed as usual and happily say goodnight to the rest of the family, but when we got to the bedroom, he would nurse briefly then announce "All done!" I could tell he was tired -- if I gave in and came downstairs again he would be fussy and unhappy and would ask almost immediately to go upstairs again. If I wouldn't take him downstairs and asked him to lay down again he would sit there and cry himself tired, then finally lay down and nurse to sleep, after much rolling and talking and nursing and crying. Many times I would slowly and accidentally fall asleep and wake up to find that he must have fallen asleep at nearly the same moment.

This was really distressing me. I always loved nursing him, and his bedtime was very special to me. It was a time to relax and just lay with him, and kiss his little head as he fell asleep. I knew that someday I would wean him and miss these times, and I didn't want to lose it yet.

One night, for some reason, I was much more relaxed. I could feel my whole body just melt into the bed and I revelled in his warm little body near me. I wasn't anywhere near sleep, but I was cozy and just loving what I was doing at that very second. He fell asleep easily and without fuss.

I realized then that it was at least partly my doing that was making bedtime so difficult. I was laying there nursing him, a task that I love, but I wasn't focusing on it or revelling in it. I had started fixating on all that I wanted to accomplish when he went to sleep. I lay there tense, and my tense shoulders and neck were translating to him.

Things have been better since I made this realization. But some nights it's still hard to relax properly. It's hard not to fixate on what needs to be done -- there are showers to be had and emails to be answered, and a slew of other things that are difficult to do with an awake toddler and so usual wait until he is asleep. But this is a good lesson not to rush the wonderful things in life, especially those that are so very transient. Someday, my son will be a man, with his own life and loves, and I will think wistfully of the days when I cuddled him to sleep. I must savour this wonderful experience while it lasts.

I was speaking to my brother over the holidays this year. He has 3 month old twin boys. He is a wonderful, attentive father and is really enjoying his boys, but we differ in our bedtime philosophies. He won't cuddle his babies to sleep and doesn't understand why some parents "agree{" to do it. I feel bad for him missing this aspect of fatherhood, but perhaps this is something that must be given up if one has two babies and two parents.

Sometimes I wonder how much of our adult search for love and attachment is just yearning for the days that were or should have been when our parents held us close and cuddled us until we slept.

-Thriceraven

Yule

2006-12-23T22:48:00.000-05:00

I had a lovely time this solstice. We were invited over for dinner to P's mom H's house. She lives in the market, a great neighbourhood with lots of bohemian spirit. She is Ukranian, and cooked up a lovely goose. I especially loved the goose-grease and dumplings. I ate far more than my share, and delighted in it. It was the most festive I have felt all year, with the crazy work schedule and dull warm weather somewhat dampening my spirits lately.

After the tasty dinner, and some time for my son to play with H's cat, we left for the annual market Solstice festival. As soon as we walked outside, the atmosphere hit me. People all around were dressed in colourful costumes, and held high their coloufully decorated solstice lanterns. The police officers blocking the streets were all in merry moods.

It was really more of a people's march than a parade, with the more "official" participants blending in to the general revelers. They marched around the streets of the market, beating drums and shaking noisemakers, their lanterns held high. There were tall stilt-walkers, some in flowing white and others wearing giant paper-mache heads of women with prominent hands. There were organized drummers that served to unite the heart-beats of the revelers, and hollering and merry-making. Some revellers carried lanterns, others had drinks and still others carried their children on their shoulders.

The march culminated in the park, surrounding the large wading pool. In the summer, the children of the neighbourhood cool of in the water but now it stood empty, transformed into a theatre-in-the-round where the stilt-walkers and other costumed participants danced for the watching crowd.

A true festival of the people, the costumes of the performers covered many archetypes. There were white-clad stilt-walkers, and other stilt-walkers with the giant heads of long-haired women, with prominent hands outstretched. There were horses, galloping and cavorting. One of the stilt-walkers had the giant head of a jester, both eerie and fun. There was the Green Man, his jolly face peeking out of enveloping foliage. There was an eerie monster with red glowing eyes that walked on all fours, baboon-like. It looked as though it came from the depths of some swamp or someone's nightmare, and it frightened S. It was lead on a chain by a women dressed all in white and was always trying to get away to its apparent paramour, a women dressed in rags and with prominent yellow teeth. Two clowns dressed as police officers whistled and gestured and incited the crowd to new whoops and hollers. Drummers played, and dancers waved flags, with pictures of horns and clarinets, and prominently, the Sun, in all its yellow and blue glory. The danced around the centrepiece -- a giant, stylized bonfire built and painted for the occasion.

I have been a practicing Witch for some years, but always alone. I have never attended a Wiccan festival or anyone else's circle. All my knowledge comes from books, and all of my energy from myself and the world around me. In this street festival, I found great bliss. There were images from many cultures, and from many imaginations, all coming from the will of the people, and not some dogma. As the dancers whirled and the drums filled my body, I clutched my mesmerized son to my chest and cried.

At the will of the drummers, the dancers gave way to fire-jugglers and fire-eaters. While band played on the stage, men and women danced with fire for us. There were men with staves lit at each end, a woman with torches swinging on ropes, and one women with a hula-hoop lit in four places, which she twirled around her waist, neck and arms. As the drummers brought our heartbeats to their climax, the fire-breathers ignited the stylized fire. It burned stories into the sky, and warmed our faces while the fire-dancers continued their whirling.

My son, still mesmerized, layed down against my chest. He became very still, and I thought he had gone to sleep, but P said later his eyes were open the whole time.

After the fire and drums died out, the crowd slowly dispersed. I left elated, with all the spirit of the season in my heart.

-Thriceraven

December Full Moon

2006-12-11T23:11:00.000-05:00

Last week was taken up by a lot of stress concerning my work. I had a big meeting on Thursday that had me working day and night to get things done for a couple of weeks before. A few times I nearly reached the end of my rope -- I was sure they were going to kick me out of my program, that I wasn't good enough, and I missed my family and especially my son. I was working so much I barely got to see him at all, and it felt like it wasn't worth it for something I worried I was bad at anyway.

As it turned out, my meeting went well, and I can go back to working hard, not working like crazy. But for a while there it was really difficult. The full moon came and went and all I could think about was this meeting, and what it would mean for it to go badly.

I had one solace as a went through this trying time. It sounds strange, but everywhere I would go I would find money on the ground. Usually it was spare change, but at one point I found a $10 bill on the floor of my building. Other than the extra pocket change this meant for me, I felt like this was something trying to tell me something -- "It's okay, you're on the right track, follow it through until the end." I felt like Gretel following a trail of bread crumbs, and it always happened at the worst of times, when I was feeling the most low. It probably amounted to something like $20 over the 2 or 3 weeks.

After my meeting, feeling much better, I stood outside waiting for my love to come and pick me up. It was dark, but I noticed something shiny on the ground nearby. I walked over to examine it, and it was a chocolate twooney. I smiled. Whoever was laying these monetary bread crumbs had a sense of humour. I picked it up and ate it, of course.

Imaginings

2006-11-12T17:11:00.000-05:00

I have been having fantasies lately of some future time when I will have the ritual space I crave, and how the Craft will fit into my life. If I can make any of these elements happen, I will be thrilled.

I imagine my ritual room. I imagine slowly, over a period of years, collecting the things that would make it perfect. Everything in the room would be there for a reason, and have its place. It would be a room that would feel good to be in, suitable for quiet reflection, or laughing conversation, as the mood struck. It would be a room that is enjoyable to be in.

The East wall (of *course* it would be oriented to the cardinal points) would contain a bookshelf or bookshelves, with my herbal and magickal library. There would be a window, to let in the breeze. Incense would waft gently from censers. A tasteful pentacle or two would hang on the wall. My tarot cards would occupy a prominent place.

The North wall: a cascade of plants spill out from pots on the floor or shelves. There are rocks, too -- interesting ones that feel right. A natural wood bookshelf contains jars with my collection of herbs, and others are strung from the ceiling, drying. My staff leans in the corner.

In a world nearly too perfect to be imagined, there is a fireplace or woodstove on the South wall. Perhaps this is the only source of heat for the room. Above it are hung knives -- 2 or 3, that have meaning to me. There are candles and interesting candle holders. In the absense of perfection, wall sconces fitted with thick candles take the place of the fireplace.

The West wall has a small fountain, or perhaps an aquarium, and the gentle sounds of falling water are subtly in the background at all times. There are shelves with chalices and cups of various types.

Other items in the room:
A comfortable chair or two,
A smallish desk, or perhaps even a scribe's table that fits over my lap, or a low table for working from the floor,
Pillows, blankets, area rugs, cloaks, to make the floor a comfortable place -- some of them stowed in a closet
My altar, able to be moved around the room

Things that are *not* in the room: anything electronic, with the exception of lighting, the fountain/aquarium and perhaps a laptop brought in for study or record keeping, and removed when not in use.

This room would be close enough to my bedroom to be visited every day, at least once. In a distant future when the children can get themselves ready for school, I go there upon waking to check the plants, the drying herbs, to feed the fish and to do a short yoga practice.

There is a door that can be closed during rituals, but otherwise the room is open. My family feels comfortable to use the room too -- they come to find me to talk to me, and they come to read or sit just on their own. I welcome them to use it, and the spirits of my friends and family mingle with mine there. There are quiet evenings of reading or weaving alone and laughing times with friends and family in this room.

On esbat or sabbat nights, after dinner and chores are done and the children are in bed, I retire for a bath and to my room for ritual the rituals.

But while I am in the realm of fantasy perhaps I will go farther. Perhaps some members of my family are interested in participating in the rituals. They gather in my ritual room to take part. Perhaps some of our friends are also interested -- my husband knows that there will be others in the house on ritual nights and makes extra food for dinner. Friends bring friends, and a commnity begins to be established.

The rituals are not mine -- it is my space, and I act as facilitator, but others bring their own work, and their own words. We sit in my ritual room and plan the work for the evening before we begin. People bring their own cups and their own athames. We do spells for each other and for the common good. People write sacred poetry to be shared with the group, or enact plays. It is joyful, and seasonal, and communal. After the rituals, we share food and drink and laughter. Perhaps we even make these evenings child-friendly, doing simple, safe work and teaching interested young people about the Craft.

After the larger, more public rite I do a little circle for myself or perhaps for those very close to me. Or sometimes just for myself, but other times for some private bit of magick that someone wants me to help with.

I put forward a request, though by no means a demand, that those who come to the circle bring something to enrich it. Maybe this is poetry, or flowers for the May Eve alter, food or drink for afterward, incense, or a herb to add to my stores. There are a few of us who take the study of herbs somewhat seriously, and others come to us for suggestions and concoctions. Perhaps someone in the community will have sufficient interest and talent to begin a herb garden on our land. It then becomes a sort of outdoor ritual space for nights with good weather.

What a lovely imagining. My faith is a great source of joy to me right here and right now, even without all of the above. But I suppose it doesn't hurt to dream.

November Full Moon

2006-11-06T23:38:00.000-05:00

Last night, we had a couple of friends over. One of them, we had only known at Pennsic and was in town from the East coast. The other lives around here, but doesn't come over particularly often. Both self-identify as polyamorous and pagan, so they are definitely interesting to talk to.

I had to work while they were here, preparing the lab meeting I gave today. I was not looking forward to it, since my experiments aren't going well, and it brought up all I had been through with my work and all of my worries about whether I belong in my program.

Our guest U and I had a quiet moment while all the others were talking. She asked about my work (she has a bit of a background in this stuff) and reassured me. I told her I was trying to learn not to tie my self-worth to success at work. She spoke about wanting to have more to show for her life thusfar. It was a good conversation, and made me feel more centred.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the perfect ritual room I would design if I could. I think I will write out my thoughts and post them here.

Samhain

2006-11-01T14:40:00.000-05:00

Samhain is the sabbat celebrating the Goddess in her aspect of Crone. As befits the day, I took at little time after the secular Halloween celebrations were over and my son was asleep to meditate on one of the attributes most associated with the Crone -- wisdom.

I feel a great need for greater wisdom in my life right now. I feel I need it in my work, so my experiments will go better than they have been. I also feel I need it when members of my family come to me to ask advice about relationship issues. Sometimes I don't know what to say that will be helpful. I also feel I need wisdom when speaking to those who want to know more about my faith. I am by no means an expert -- I do what makes sense, feels right, and strikes a cord from the reading I have done. To be viewed as a resource is new and rather scary.

I also thought about how the Crone works for the betterment of her community. Our family -- with its core members and good friends that are almsot-members -- sometimes feels like community-building in addition to family-maintaining. I thought about this and how I can do more to make our home/community the best it can be.

October Full Moon

2006-10-07T13:10:00.000-04:00

I just finished reading an article that really put certain things in perspective. I took a lot of psychology in university, and the article I read was about the field of positive psychology. This field comes from the surprising finding that people are happier if they learn to focus on the positive in their lives, rather than dwell on the negative. Why is this surprising? Because the entire field of clinical psychology for many years was based on the idea that, to achieve happiness, one must work though problems, meeting them head-on and making progress in correcting them. Positive psychology has found that this does not enhance happiness. Ignoring the negative and focusing on the positive does.

It is a goal of mine in life to be happy. (I don't believe everyone has this goal. At least, many don't appear to, if their behaviour is any indication.) It is not the most important thing to me, but as long as all my principles are met, happiness is a major goal of mine.

This article also talked about goal-setting. If we set intrinsic goals (ie. those focused on our own behaviour, like "I will study 5h a day.") we reach them more easily and are happier than if we set extrinsic goals that depend on the actions of others or chance (eg. "I will get an 'A'.")

This full moon, I have focused on intrinsic goals. I will work hard and be the best scientist I can be. I will be the best mother I can be. I will enjoy my work, my son and my family each moment I can. I will choose to be happy.

Extrinsic goals will be met or they won't. My son deserves a happy mother, and I deserve to be a happy person. It is my most natural state, anyway.

Mabon

2006-09-25T13:46:00.000-04:00

On the equinox the other night, P and I went for a walk to the park and sat in my favourite spot. He commented he had forgotten how nice the view was. We talked about relationships and the future in the misting rain, with our backs against a tree overlooking the city. It was a melancholy conversation and I don't know if we accomplished anything, but I was glad we did it.

September Full Moon

2006-09-08T11:29:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was visited in my lab by two people I used to work with. This doesn't happen often and seemed significant.

The first was a woman who used to work as a technician in the lab I am no longer part of. She was accepted to grad school and left the lab -- she was having some problems with our boss as well. I ran into her in the hallway yesterday and we chatted about how our studies were going. She and I always got along well, but it somehow surprised me that she treated me with respect, and wished me well. She even asked my advice on something in her studies, and thanked me for my input. I don't know why it surprised me -- I guess that I have this fear that I don't belong here and that I'm not worthy of studying here, and that these facts are blatantly obvious to everyone but me. Our brief, random interaction gave me validation and I almost wanted to cry.

The second was a visit from a former boss, who I always liked. I was afraid he was unhappy with me when I left his lab and we haven't spoken much in the last three years. Yesterday he came by just to see what I was up to.

Somehow, I felt these two interactions happened to remind me that I belong here as much as the next person. It certainly gave me a boost of confidence that I hope I can carry with me.

Lately, I have been concentrating on my work as ritual -- I think it goes much better when do things deliberately and lovingly, just as I would a piece of magick.

There has been a lot of stress and difficulty in my family lately, and I had hoped the full moon would bring me some insight about it. Instead, I got these revelations about work. I guess you can't always decide what the world to teaches you.

August Full Moon

2006-08-23T15:40:00.000-04:00

I just returned a few days ago from Pennsic, and the full moon happened while I was there. But pretty much all of Pennsic was a spiritual time -- if you haven't been there, you can't understand.

Pennsic had a theme for me this year -- higher self confidence. Over and over again, I was validated as a person by different people in different ways. It was wonderful to get away from work and my tendency to rate my worth as a person on my performance as a graduate student.

I hope I can carry that with me back to work.

Response to comment...

2006-08-04T19:09:00.000-04:00

See my response to comment below on my last post.

Lammas

2006-08-03T16:39:00.000-04:00

A couple days ago was Lammas -- the festival of First Fruits. It is a celebration of the Goddess as Mother and concerns Nature it all Her productivity.

Rather than a ritual, I spent the day meditating any moment I got. My work has been worrisome and difficult lately, and I haven't been enjoying it as much as I should. I concentrated on the idea of productivity, and envisioned each experiment bringing me more and more knowledge, ever on an upward path toward my goals. I envisioned tending my work with the sort of care and love I use to tend my son. I soothed my self with thoughts of confidence -- I am able to do this, my work will be valid and sound, I am worthy to be doing this work, even unexpected results provide knowledge.

Another note: Yesterday, I was waiting for a shop to open -- it had one of those "Be right back" signs in the window and I needed to pick something up there. I wandered the neighbourhood a bit and ended up in the library around the corner. I surfed the non-fiction section and found myself pulling on of Starhawk's books off the shelf in the Religion section. Starhawk is a feminist Wirch who has written some very useful works. I only read a page or two -- I don't even remember the title -- but it made me reflect on her name. I thought about how it must be her Wiccan name, and that made me think about my own -- Thriceraven. As I heard the word in my mind, I felt a huge sense of power behind it -- welling up inside me, bigger than I am.

Many thing came to me out of this experience. Perhaps the most important was that this feeling of power came during a random moment I hadn't scheduled -- an accidental quiet time I didn't plan to have. It made me remember that magick so often happens in these sorts of moments, and if I don't make a point of having these sort of quiet times in my life, I will not be privy to magick.

July Full Moon

2006-07-11T12:08:00.000-04:00

Yesterday's full moon was also my son's first birthday. I wanted to take him to the park -- to the same place my husband and I took him on the first full moon after he was born to introduce him to the Goddess and God -- but it rained all day. Instead, I put him to sleep last night and laid beside him and talked while he slept.

I renewed my promise to pledge for him to the Goddess and God until he is old enough to make his own choices. I thanked them for his health and happiness. I asked for help in being a good mother and in enjoying each stage he goes through, then letting them go. I asked for foresight to make good choices on his behalf.

Midsummer's Eve

2006-06-22T10:35:00.000-04:00

Midsummer's Eve is considered a good time to consecrate objects and to put protective spells on houses. Our home renovations are finally approaching a place where it feels more like a home rather than a construction site, so I thought this would be a good time to do some magickal work around the house.

I started at the front door and sprinkled salted water up the steps of our porch. I sat on the porch and talked and thought about all of the people and pets who live in our house, mediatating on each of them in turn. I talked about how this is the door through which our family and friends enter, and that I hoped they found it a haven.

I also took a moment to welcome any "little people" who might decide to call our house home. I told them they are welcome to our food and drink, and we most humbly hope they find everything to their liking. (It isn't a good idea to offend them!)

I walked from room to room in the house, sprinkling salt water at every window and door to the outside. I thought about what each room was used for and about my favourite memories in it. And I thought about what that room means to our family and guests and what I hoped they would find there.

In the living room I concentrated on relaxation. In the dining room, I thought about good company and good friends, and a plentiful table.

In the kitchen, I thought about good food, both in terms of health (for which I spoke to the goddess as Demeter) as well as Dionysian-style enjoyment of food and drink amd meditated on striking a balance between the two. I also thought about our problems lately with bugs and mice, and asked for help in making this place unpleasant for them.

(An aside here: In the couple of days since the ritual I have seen many more bugs around the house. I killed an earwig yesterday and a couple of spiders and others in the family have been noticing them as well. Either this part of the ritual completely backfired, or the creeepy-crawlies are coming out of their hiding places because they are feeling uncomfortable in our house and will eventually leave. I guess we'll see.)

In the office in the basement I thought about both relaxation and concentration for getting work done. I also asked the place be guarded against loneliness, since it can be a rather lonely room.

In the bathroom I thought about cleanliness and health. In each bedroom a child sleeps in, I put a protective sprinkling of salted water around their beds, and asked for protection for them while they sleep. In the adult bedrooms I meditated on comfort, healthy sexuality and relationsips, and sleep.

After I was finsished, the house already felt nicer.

June Full Moon

2006-06-12T09:04:00.000-04:00

I start work today, and the next few weeks are going to be tough around here. Scheduling seems all but impossible with so much going on and so much up in the air. I am worried about there being enough child care around and about getting enough work done. I am also worried about my ability to maintain my wonderful relationship with my son and be successful at work.

Yesterday was a day of meditation on planning for me. There were much mundanities to be planned -- who is working when, who is caring for which children, figuring out transportation, planning work in my head, etc. I also tried to take some time for other plans, like how I wanted my life structured, ways to ensure my relationship with my son doesn't suffer, deciding which things I have time for and which I don't and how to balance everything carefully. I tried to meditate on the balance between intelligent planning and being flexible enough to deal with unexpected things.

I hope all of this meditation helps.

In response to comment...

2006-05-23T12:55:00.000-04:00

Please see my response to a comment on the entry titled "Sigil".

May Full Moon

2006-05-14T11:10:00.000-04:00

I spent most of the day yesterday mildly upset. It has been a rough few days -- I was in a car accident on Thursday with both babies in the car. They are fine and so am I, but I am very upset that I put them in danger, and that I ruined a perfectly good car. Also, I am currently writing a proposal for my work going forward, and it is very important that it is very, very good. I am a bit rusty at thinking and writing about science and it is taking longer than it should. As well, I can only work when my baby is aleep or someone else is looking after him, and everyone else is as busy (or busier) than I am.

For a few minutes last night before falling asleep, I tried to meditate on a couple of things. First, that my work and my time with my baby are both beautiful, wonderful things that balance each other nicely -- one is the "break" from the other. One is my Maiden work, and the other my Mother work. (Still need to find some Crone time in there...) I also tried to meditate on the fact I am a competent adult, competent to drive and to get my PhD. Even the most competent people make mistakes sometimes. One driving mistake does not call into question my competence.

These are the things I am working on. I had no flashes of insight yesterday, but they can't come every month.

Beltane

2006-05-07T23:12:00.000-04:00

This Beltane, I had some very important magickal work to do. I am about to start working again and I have been very worried about how it is going to go. I decided that, after all I have been through, I needed a purification ritual in preparation.

I filled a baby-food jar with salt water and walked to the park. I sat under my favourite tree overlooking the city. Carefully and clearly I stated it was my will to earn and recieve my PhD. I related that I had been attacked and that I required purification.

I annointed my forehead with the salted water for Wisdom, my mouth for Communication, my breasts for Productivity, my hands for Work, my genitals for Genesis, my legs for Strength and my feet for Choice. I talked a bit about each of these qualities and how I would need them in my journey.

I spoke to the Goddess and told her that I required symbols to help me on my journey. For taking in and assimilating information and advice, I chose the symbol of eating. I talked about how eating is easy for me, and that it is welcome and enjoyable, and that I do it every day and will continue to do so. I stated that I will remember eating as a symbol of learning and information assembly. For communication and production of ideas and results, I chose the symbol of nursing, also something easy and enjoyable. And for the interplay between learning and communicating my ideas -- the conversation that is research -- I chose the symbol of lovemaking. This is symbolic magick -- just as I can easily and enjoyably do these things, I will be able to easily and enjoyably do the things that I have linked them with.

The jar of salted water is in my dresser drawer, and will go with me to work when I start. I have already annointed myself as I did on Beltane, reciting the qualities I need, before doing things in preparation for going back to work. I will continue to do so until my goal has been fulfilled.

Cat

2006-04-28T23:50:00.000-04:00

Today I had a lovely experience.

As mentioned in previous posts today, I have been feeling oppressed by horrible fear about my work situation. At time today, I was finding myself so preoccupied I was having trouble enjoying my son.

My baby fell asleep in the car on the way home today. Rather than move him and wake him up, I ran inside for a book and sat outside on the porch by the car. As I sat a lovely black cat with green eyes came up beside me. This cat had greeted S and I both today and yesterday when I brought her home from school. S cautiously petted it both days and the cat seemed very friendly.

After watching me for a couple of minutes the cat jumped into my lap on top of my book. It laid in the sun purring while I stroked it. I thought to myself that this is the kind of cat I would want if I was choosing one as a pet and familiar. I explained to the cat I already had a familiar, and that I didn't think the two of them would get along.

The cat stayed with me for almost an hour. It was sitting on my book so I couldn't read, which gave me some time to think through my emotions about my work instead of hiding from them. This (and a warm purring cat on my lap) did much to lessen my panic I had been feeling.

A older man walked by me and asked if it was my cat. I said no, and he said he thought it lived across the street. I told him my lap had been adopted, and he said it was a good sign -- that this was a good cat, and that cats always choose well. It made me smile.

Emotions

2006-04-28T23:29:00.000-04:00

A smattering of thoughts and emotions surrounding my work:

(This may seem somewaht non-magickal/religious. Wicca stresses the sacredness of the mundane, however, and working through emotions is definitely spiritual work.)

I love science. I know I want my PhD and want to work in science. I find it fun and stimulating to think about science, and to plan experiments. I enjoy performing experiments. I have the brains to get a PhD, and I have just had bad luck with labs and supervisors.

But what if that's not it? I have been criticized for my critical thinking skills -- maybe I don't have what it takes to get a PhD. Maybe I lack the organization. Maybe I'm not bright enough and I'm just deluding myself into thinking I can do it. I've certainly known people who have deluded themselves into thinking they are good at something they are not. What makes me think I'm not one of them?

But maybe enjoying it is enough -- maybe as long as I enjoy the journey it will be okay if I crash and burn. If I fail.

I can't imagine telling my father I am quitting or that I have failed. I would feel so guilty about all of those years that W worked shit jobs and I followed my dream. (I already feel guilty about that, because it has taken longer than I wanted it to.) Maybe I have deluded my family into believing in me when they shouldn't.

I love being a mom -- more than I can say -- but I know it is unhealthy for me to have no other vocation than being a parent. That's what my mom did and it was really bad -- still is. Very guiltily, I feel like I am too smart to be "wasted" by just being a mom. (This is highly uncharitable and doesn't come up very often. I have ultimate respect for parents -- it is skilled labour even if our society says it's not.)

Am I going to get a fair chance when I go back, or are they just plotting to get me out? Or maybe they want me out of their hair and will practically hand me a PhD just to get me off their backs?

That first committee meeting is going to be hell. I am just going to have to sit there and listen to the lectures I am going to get. I have to prove them wrong -- clear my name and prove my integrity. But what if I can't?

How come I haven't made more positive impressions on people? How come I don't seem to have any allies? I have spent years there -- giving so much and I have no major contacts to show for it.

I'm turning 29 this year. What have I accomplished with my life?

But the point of life to not to accomplish (although that is nice) -- it is to enjoy and live well. W reminded me of that the other night.

I am being selfish -- I have more love than most, a happy family life, a beautiful healthy baby that brings me so much joy, 2 other children who I get to parent as well, a community of people in my house who care about me. I am so fortunate -- why should I care about work? I would much rather have a great home life than a great work life. Do you have to choose between the two? Can you be a successful scientist and a truly good mommy?

What will I do with my life if I fail here?

I need to succeed just to spite them -- to show them they can't go around doing this to people. Otherwise I will be doing a diservice to those who come after me.

There. I think I'm done for now. I feel somewhat better.

Dream

2006-04-28T00:49:00.000-04:00

I had a bizarre dream the other night. I didn't write it up before now because I feel like it has nothing to tell me, but I don't know it won't mean something down the road.

This dream's randomness and somewhat unhappy nature was even harder to deal with since I haed asked for guidance about my work situation before I slept. I have searched, but I have no idea what guidance this dream might have been trying to give me.

In one part of the dream, I was participating in some sort of game show. I was competing against a man that I hated and that I had competed against many times before. But, I had played on this game show so many times I was tired of it. My hatred and competitive nature were warring -- I occilated from giving it my best and competing lackadaisically, with the latter usually winning. Funnily, the game show involved running a relay with an egg on a spoon -- that old picnic game.

I worried that this part of the dream meant that I secretly hated grad school and shouldn't be doing it -- that my work had been lackadaisical. I was talking to A today, and she suggested maybe it was the hoop-jumping game that is graduate school I was tired of, not the work. This made me feel somewhat better.

In another part of the dream, I was sleeping around with random men. I'm not sure why, since I didn't seem to enjoy it much. I was sleeping with a much older man, who happened to be a statistics professor. He was only one in a string of at least 3. (Just to note -- this is NOT behaviour that characterizes me in life.) In my dream, I asked my partner P, rather nonchalantly, whether it bugged him when I slept with these other men. He told me it devastated him, and that he was glad I finally asked his opinion.

I have no idea what this part of the dream could mean. The whole dream -- game show and sex -- had this empty, cold, unhealthy feeling to it that matched my mood concerning my work over the last several days. It was like reading Eliot's The Wasteland. I hated it.

Which brings me to my next post. I am going to write a smattering of the thoughts and emotions I have had surrounding my work. I am hoping this will help me get my mind in order, and start healing.

Visions

2006-04-21T18:18:00.000-04:00

Last night while one of partners and I were making love I had a series of vivid visions. They came to me as still pictures, and appeared unrelated. A full moon in a charcoal sky over a large cluster of white canvas tents, a blue house on a hill, a forest treeline. When I thought too hard about them they vanished but returned the instant I stopped thinking and just enjoyed myself as usual. I have no idea what this means.

April Full Moon

2006-04-15T20:45:00.000-04:00

The other day was the full moon. Since I have no ritual space, I celebrate my esbats a little differently than I would if I did have space. I spend the day being extra watchful for insights or ideas, and if none come to me I make plans to walk at night alone to the nearby park to commune with the gods. Since keeping this blog, I haven't done that yet -- I have had special insights each time.

This time, I decided I need to make a consecrated bag to keep my sigil in, as well as for any future similar spells. I have been wearing it against my skin (in my bra, actually) but it is getting worn and I have no idea how long I will be wearing it. So I plan to make a red tablet-woven bag to keep it in. I will have to attach some sort of string or chain to it to wear it around my neck. Its going to have to be discrete, and small.

I know this doesn't sound like a deep insight or anything, but it is important. I have thought of making something of the kind before, but I am no seamstress and didn't know how to go about it, and had no special reason to do so.

I'll start it soon. Maybe this is why I got the urge to take up weaving again.

Dream

2006-04-05T13:37:00.000-04:00

The other night, I dreamed that I was scolding S (our 5-year-old) for whining. She was doing it blatantly, much more so than in real life, and repeatedly, so I ended up giving her a time-out. During the time-out, S somehow changed into A, one of the adult women in my family. A was, understandably, angry at me for trying to punish her like a child. In my dream, I was trying to defend my right to do so.

What does this mean? A says it means I am spending too much time in charge of children. She is probably right -- my Mother aspect is on overdrive lately. Maybe it also means that I need to be careful not to "mother" those who don't need it. I'm not sure.

Ostara

2006-03-22T23:49:00.000-05:00

The spring equinox, according to my practice, is the celebration of the Goddess as Maiden. Because of this it is an important festival for personal development.

I made a big decision about my work last night to mark the Ostara. It is a decision that is very important and will affect a great deal of my work life for the next few years and beyond into my career. It is also a last chance, so I was quite worried about the choice.

I asked the Goddess to make herself known inside me and aid me in my choice. I repeated to myself over and over that I was making the right choice and that this was a choice for myself and my personal development.

I feel much more confident in my choice than I would if I had not evoked the Goddess to make it. And maybe that confidence is the most important thing to my successful personal development.

March Full Moon

2006-03-14T20:54:00.000-05:00

I had a bit of an epiphany today. (Full moons do that sometimes.) I was worrying about a meeting I had with my department head about getting back to work and thinking about the Ostara sabbat that is coming up and suddenly it hit me that my viewpoint when it comes to my work has to change.

I realized that I have to work toward my PhD for one reason and one reason only -- as a journey of personal development. My graduate work must be a way that I work toward incorporating the Maiden aspect of the Goddess into my life. I must work and learn and grow as a scientist because it is what is good --for me. I have to try and let go of everything else -- working for a career in the future, working for money, working for something respectable to do with myself. All of these things are valid reasons, but they cannot be the primary one. My supervisor is not my boss to be appeased, but one of my guides on what is ultimately a personal journey. And each day of the journey needs to be a worthwhile part of the "making of me," not just something to be endured until it is over. And I have to do it because it is a worthwhile way of spending my self-improvement time.

My work has to be my vocation in the truest sense of the word. It is interesting to me that I made my sigil I talked about in the last post using this word. I have carried this sigil around with me since my last post and will continue to do so until all of what I have crafted it for has been fulfilled, but I am sure that today's new ideas were part of what the sigil spell was meant to do for me.

This als0 helps me deal with another concern I have been having -- the guilt of going back to work and leaving the childcare of my son to the rest of my family or some sort of daycare. (It's still to be determined which it will be.) If I see my work as time to work on personal development -- time I feel I need to be a whole person anyway -- I can split my time happily between this and my duties as a Mother. (My Crone aspect has been lacking a bit lately -- I am thinking about how to improve that aspect of myself.)

Ostara is the Spring Equinox coming up in a week or so and is the sabbat celebrating the Maiden aspect of the Goddess. I plan on spending part of that day mulling over which workplace would be best for my personal journey. I think it is a very fitting way to celebrate this festival.

Sigil

2006-03-05T11:40:00.000-05:00

I have been continuing to read the book Wicca for Life in which Raymond Buckland discusses the use of sigils. I wasn't familiar with their use and was moderately interested. I found it interesting that the author is quite against ceremonial magick (of the grimoire, conjuring demons kind) since work with sigils reminded me of magick of this sort. For this reason, I looked up sigils on the web to see if sigil use is more related to ceremonial magick or "nature magick". (The two are not hard-and-fast separated, and many practitioners use elements of both. I am more inclined to nature magick.) In the process I sort of accidentally learned more about the use of sigils.

That night, I was exhausted so I went to bed around 9:30pm for a "nap," which turned into the whole night. For several hours I slept fitfully, waking often, and every time I woke I had the word "sigil" in my head, at fever pitch. Finally, after the fifth or sixth time, I said to myself, "All right, I will make a sigil." I slept soundly after that.

So today, I will work on my sigil. I am going to do both a diagramatic one as outlined in the book, and a anagram-style one. It will be about my work situation.

As long as I am open to listening, the gods/my subconscious will tell me what I need to do.

Not many people would consider this a good sign

2006-02-27T13:42:00.000-05:00

I have been hearing voices again. No really, it's a good thing.

I have always had what most people would call auditory hallucinations fairly often, ever since I was a child. But before you go trying to commit me or anything, I know full well what is going on around me in the physical world and what is not.

Mostly, I hear voices, often of loved ones. Sometimes they are saying my name, and later I hear that they were thinking about me or I'll get an email from them that was sent around the same time. Sometimes I hear groups of small voices speaking too low for me to hear, but chattering together.

I hadn't noticed that these things had stopped and I don't know exactly when it happened. But in the days since I have tried to become more attuned with my spiritual life they have started again. I haven't even done a proper Circle or anything, just tried to open myself up again.

Yesterday, I heard the voice of the 5 year old in my family in the house while she was away at school. (Please note I live in a polyamorous family, and we co-parent the children. So although she is not technically my daughter, I consider myself one of her parents. If you don't know what polyamory means, look it up. Wikipedia is a good place.) I have heard a baby crying in our house when both babies were happy. And last night I heard small laughing voices coming from our hot water heater.

Wow, that sounds crazier written out than I thought it would. My explanation is that we imprint some of our spirit on to the places we spend our time. In other words, our house holds the "ghosts" of our children even when they aren't here. As for the babbling appliance, it is accepted in Wicca that the four elements of the ancients -- Earth, Air, Fire and Water -- have their own individual spirits that haunt those elements. It sounded to me like our hot water heater had quite a collection of happy water spirits last night.

I used to be frightened of these voices when I was young. I thought I was hearing ghosts and that it was something to be frightened of. When I decided to become a witch a few years ago the feelings of fear evaporated. Now it makes me happy to be in tune with these things.

But you probably just think I'm nuts... :)

I should have remembered this

2006-02-25T16:51:00.000-05:00

I'm posting in this blog much more often than I expected to...

I was again reading Wicca for Life today. In it there is a concept which I knew at one time but had forgotten, just when I have needed it most.

When doing magick, he states, or even when wanting something to come to pass, you must not hope for it, wish for it or beg for it, but envision that it already has happened.

So I am now envisioning the letter that will come that will tell me what I want to hear about my work. I can see it arriving in my inbox. I can read the lines in it. I can see myself happily working in my new place.

I am going to take some time every day for these visions until they come to pass.

I wonder if this concept is what drew me to this book the other day.

Dream

2006-02-24T10:57:00.000-05:00

I know it's not the full moon yet, but I had a dream last night that felt important that I wanted to post.

First: I was reading a wonderful book I just got called Wicca for Life by Raymond Buckland. It is about creating covens within the family. I'm not sure I will be able to do this, since my family contains many differing religious ideas (which makes for a very enriching environment). As well, I have issues with including children in magickal circles. However, the book is full of wonderful ideas and rituals. It is very Gardernerian in tradition and the practices are a bit different from mine, but the beliefs are very similar, and the book emphasizes an acceptance of different traditions.

In the book, the writer admonishes those that create their Book of Shadows electronically. This is rightfully so. Books used within the magickal circle should always be lovingly handwritten. I typically memorize my incantations, but if I do use notes I always write them out. I may transcribe some of them here after, but never for use in the circle. I plan to use this as more of a journal of my magickal practices and experiences.

On to the dream:

I went to bed last night thinking a bit about the lessons we learn from the Triple-Aspect Goddess. The Goddess (and indeed all women) exist in three forms: Maiden, Mother and Crone. (Men can also think of their lives in an analagous way, but they lack the life changes of menstruation, giving birth and menopause that help frame these states.) And although at times in our lives we may be centred in on of the three aspects mainly, it is important to remember to keep all aspects of the Goddess as part of our lives.

What does this mean? The Maiden works for the betterment of herself, the Mother for the betterment of her family, and the Crone for the betterment of her community or world. Although one of these can become dominant for quite some time, to be a whole person one must keep all of these lanterns burning. This is the meaning of the "thrice" part of my name.

I was considering this last evening. I am a mother of a 7 month old son, and my work has been put on hold for this and other reasons so I am very much in a Mother phase of my life. I am vastly enjoying it. Along with this, I am part of a polyamorous family with three children total and 5 adults, so my family is a very large part of my time.

I am working to keep up the Maiden part of my personality with things like this blog and working to get myself back to work. I worry that my Crone aspect is suffering a little, although there are things I am doing from this perspective as well.

I dreamt last night that I was walking at night near the house where I grew up beside a vacant lot where my mother, brother and I used to fly our kites. The lot is no longer vacant -- it contains a new housing development -- but in my dream it looked like it did when I was a child. It was a cloudy night, but the wispy clouds kept parting to show the stars more brilliantly than I have seen in a while. I was walking with a young woman. I don't know her in life, but in my dream I knew she was intelligent but quite young and innocent. She was asking me questions about her sexuality, and about pregnancy and I was answering them as best I could.

It was a very Crone-laden dream. I don't know if my subconscious was trying to tell me I was doing fine as a Crone, or whether I needed to do more.

About this blog

2006-02-22T20:40:00.000-05:00

A Book of Shadows is a book kept by a witch that documents his/her religious practice. It may contain descriptions of rituals, spells, incantations or recipes related to his/her practice as a witch, and the results, emotions or insights derived from the practice. It may read like a cookbook, or more like a journal. There is often some element of secrecy, and a prudent witch never writes down a complete description of her rituals that could be followed by idle readers.

(Please note: The gender-inclusive language is getting a bit cumbersome. I am going to switch to "her". No offense is meant to male practitioners of The Craft. English needs a new pronoun.)

I have always wanted one, but have found I am not good at keeping such a journal up to date. I am hoping I will have better luck in this format.

As with all religions, there are various traditions and sects within Wicca. There are some basic tenets held by all Wiccans, but there are also many diverse practices. Unlike some other religions, a witch is allowed -- even encouraged -- to pick and choose the specific beliefs and practices that work for her. Some witches recognize only a Goddess, while others see the world hung in balance between a Goddess and a God. Some add elements of Eastern philosophy or Native American spirituality to their practice. Some carefully choose dates on which to work their magick while others do it when the need arises. Some talk to the God and Goddess using only one name each, others pick and choose names that reflect the aspect of the deity being evoked. Some practice as part of covens, or attend gatherings while others, like me, work alone.

I practice a nature-based worship. The Goddess and the God are my representations of the Great Power that perfuses all things, and which is strongest in those we define as alive. I live my beliefs every day, but like many pagans I celebrate them formally about 21 times a year -- on the 13 full moons, the solstices and equinoxes and the cross-quarter days. Right now, I am living in a house undergoing extreme renovations and have no indoor ritual space, and our urban Canadian winter precludes outdoor rituals with bonfires or candles so I rarely get to draw proper circles, but I always celebrate my "ritual days" in some way, even if it is only by going for a walk for personal reflection or by special lovemaking with one of my partners. I am much more centred and "comfortable in my own skin" when I take the time to formally practice my beliefs.

In my practice I use spells and incantations that I write myself. I use the power of herbs and teas, candles and simple ritual objects. On the day of a ritual, I make sure not to impede my spiritual faculties by eating to excess or drinking, and I always begin by having a bath. When circumstances allow I work naked.

A word about my name: many pagans take a new magickal name when they are initiated into The Craft. This name symbolizes their rebirth as a spiritual being, and is similar to the Catholic practice of taking a new name at confirmation. I took the name Thriceraven 5 years ago when I intiated myself into The Craft. I have always considered ravens to be my "totem" animal. The "thrice" comes from the Triple-Aspect Goddess. It is very important to me that I include all three aspects of the Goddess in my daily life. (More on this in another post.) A ritual name also allows a certain amount of anonimity, which is useful for both magickal and practical reasons.

This blog exists primarily for me -- to put into words the things above that I have only known emotionally, and to journal my rituals, the results and my emotions concerning them. However, please feel free to post comments. I am a solitary witch and have never practiced with other pagans, and although I read books and other people's webpages it would be neat to have a discussion of sorts with other practitioners.

Wow, that was really long. I will post again on or near the full moon.