A realization
A couple of weeks ago, my son got suddenly harder to put to sleep. Previously he would let me know when he was tired by asking for a nurse and pointing at the stairs, then would happily say goodnight to people. Then we would go up stairs and he would (usually) nurse contentedly to sleep.
Gradually, the process became more difficult. He would still ask to go to bed as usual and happily say goodnight to the rest of the family, but when we got to the bedroom, he would nurse briefly then announce "All done!" I could tell he was tired -- if I gave in and came downstairs again he would be fussy and unhappy and would ask almost immediately to go upstairs again. If I wouldn't take him downstairs and asked him to lay down again he would sit there and cry himself tired, then finally lay down and nurse to sleep, after much rolling and talking and nursing and crying. Many times I would slowly and accidentally fall asleep and wake up to find that he must have fallen asleep at nearly the same moment.
This was really distressing me. I always loved nursing him, and his bedtime was very special to me. It was a time to relax and just lay with him, and kiss his little head as he fell asleep. I knew that someday I would wean him and miss these times, and I didn't want to lose it yet.
One night, for some reason, I was much more relaxed. I could feel my whole body just melt into the bed and I revelled in his warm little body near me. I wasn't anywhere near sleep, but I was cozy and just loving what I was doing at that very second. He fell asleep easily and without fuss.
I realized then that it was at least partly my doing that was making bedtime so difficult. I was laying there nursing him, a task that I love, but I wasn't focusing on it or revelling in it. I had started fixating on all that I wanted to accomplish when he went to sleep. I lay there tense, and my tense shoulders and neck were translating to him.
Things have been better since I made this realization. But some nights it's still hard to relax properly. It's hard not to fixate on what needs to be done -- there are showers to be had and emails to be answered, and a slew of other things that are difficult to do with an awake toddler and so usual wait until he is asleep. But this is a good lesson not to rush the wonderful things in life, especially those that are so very transient. Someday, my son will be a man, with his own life and loves, and I will think wistfully of the days when I cuddled him to sleep. I must savour this wonderful experience while it lasts.
I was speaking to my brother over the holidays this year. He has 3 month old twin boys. He is a wonderful, attentive father and is really enjoying his boys, but we differ in our bedtime philosophies. He won't cuddle his babies to sleep and doesn't understand why some parents "agree{" to do it. I feel bad for him missing this aspect of fatherhood, but perhaps this is something that must be given up if one has two babies and two parents.
Sometimes I wonder how much of our adult search for love and attachment is just yearning for the days that were or should have been when our parents held us close and cuddled us until we slept.
-Thriceraven
Gradually, the process became more difficult. He would still ask to go to bed as usual and happily say goodnight to the rest of the family, but when we got to the bedroom, he would nurse briefly then announce "All done!" I could tell he was tired -- if I gave in and came downstairs again he would be fussy and unhappy and would ask almost immediately to go upstairs again. If I wouldn't take him downstairs and asked him to lay down again he would sit there and cry himself tired, then finally lay down and nurse to sleep, after much rolling and talking and nursing and crying. Many times I would slowly and accidentally fall asleep and wake up to find that he must have fallen asleep at nearly the same moment.
This was really distressing me. I always loved nursing him, and his bedtime was very special to me. It was a time to relax and just lay with him, and kiss his little head as he fell asleep. I knew that someday I would wean him and miss these times, and I didn't want to lose it yet.
One night, for some reason, I was much more relaxed. I could feel my whole body just melt into the bed and I revelled in his warm little body near me. I wasn't anywhere near sleep, but I was cozy and just loving what I was doing at that very second. He fell asleep easily and without fuss.
I realized then that it was at least partly my doing that was making bedtime so difficult. I was laying there nursing him, a task that I love, but I wasn't focusing on it or revelling in it. I had started fixating on all that I wanted to accomplish when he went to sleep. I lay there tense, and my tense shoulders and neck were translating to him.
Things have been better since I made this realization. But some nights it's still hard to relax properly. It's hard not to fixate on what needs to be done -- there are showers to be had and emails to be answered, and a slew of other things that are difficult to do with an awake toddler and so usual wait until he is asleep. But this is a good lesson not to rush the wonderful things in life, especially those that are so very transient. Someday, my son will be a man, with his own life and loves, and I will think wistfully of the days when I cuddled him to sleep. I must savour this wonderful experience while it lasts.
I was speaking to my brother over the holidays this year. He has 3 month old twin boys. He is a wonderful, attentive father and is really enjoying his boys, but we differ in our bedtime philosophies. He won't cuddle his babies to sleep and doesn't understand why some parents "agree{" to do it. I feel bad for him missing this aspect of fatherhood, but perhaps this is something that must be given up if one has two babies and two parents.
Sometimes I wonder how much of our adult search for love and attachment is just yearning for the days that were or should have been when our parents held us close and cuddled us until we slept.
-Thriceraven
posted by --- at 10:29 PM
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