Emotions

A smattering of thoughts and emotions surrounding my work:

(This may seem somewaht non-magickal/religious. Wicca stresses the sacredness of the mundane, however, and working through emotions is definitely spiritual work.)

I love science. I know I want my PhD and want to work in science. I find it fun and stimulating to think about science, and to plan experiments. I enjoy performing experiments. I have the brains to get a PhD, and I have just had bad luck with labs and supervisors.

But what if that's not it? I have been criticized for my critical thinking skills -- maybe I don't have what it takes to get a PhD. Maybe I lack the organization. Maybe I'm not bright enough and I'm just deluding myself into thinking I can do it. I've certainly known people who have deluded themselves into thinking they are good at something they are not. What makes me think I'm not one of them?

But maybe enjoying it is enough -- maybe as long as I enjoy the journey it will be okay if I crash and burn. If I fail.

I can't imagine telling my father I am quitting or that I have failed. I would feel so guilty about all of those years that W worked shit jobs and I followed my dream. (I already feel guilty about that, because it has taken longer than I wanted it to.) Maybe I have deluded my family into believing in me when they shouldn't.

I love being a mom -- more than I can say -- but I know it is unhealthy for me to have no other vocation than being a parent. That's what my mom did and it was really bad -- still is. Very guiltily, I feel like I am too smart to be "wasted" by just being a mom. (This is highly uncharitable and doesn't come up very often. I have ultimate respect for parents -- it is skilled labour even if our society says it's not.)

Am I going to get a fair chance when I go back, or are they just plotting to get me out? Or maybe they want me out of their hair and will practically hand me a PhD just to get me off their backs?

That first committee meeting is going to be hell. I am just going to have to sit there and listen to the lectures I am going to get. I have to prove them wrong -- clear my name and prove my integrity. But what if I can't?

How come I haven't made more positive impressions on people? How come I don't seem to have any allies? I have spent years there -- giving so much and I have no major contacts to show for it.

I'm turning 29 this year. What have I accomplished with my life?

But the point of life to not to accomplish (although that is nice) -- it is to enjoy and live well. W reminded me of that the other night.

I am being selfish -- I have more love than most, a happy family life, a beautiful healthy baby that brings me so much joy, 2 other children who I get to parent as well, a community of people in my house who care about me. I am so fortunate -- why should I care about work? I would much rather have a great home life than a great work life. Do you have to choose between the two? Can you be a successful scientist and a truly good mommy?

What will I do with my life if I fail here?

I need to succeed just to spite them -- to show them they can't go around doing this to people. Otherwise I will be doing a diservice to those who come after me.

There. I think I'm done for now. I feel somewhat better.