Cat

Today I had a lovely experience.

As mentioned in previous posts today, I have been feeling oppressed by horrible fear about my work situation. At time today, I was finding myself so preoccupied I was having trouble enjoying my son.

My baby fell asleep in the car on the way home today. Rather than move him and wake him up, I ran inside for a book and sat outside on the porch by the car. As I sat a lovely black cat with green eyes came up beside me. This cat had greeted S and I both today and yesterday when I brought her home from school. S cautiously petted it both days and the cat seemed very friendly.

After watching me for a couple of minutes the cat jumped into my lap on top of my book. It laid in the sun purring while I stroked it. I thought to myself that this is the kind of cat I would want if I was choosing one as a pet and familiar. I explained to the cat I already had a familiar, and that I didn't think the two of them would get along.

The cat stayed with me for almost an hour. It was sitting on my book so I couldn't read, which gave me some time to think through my emotions about my work instead of hiding from them. This (and a warm purring cat on my lap) did much to lessen my panic I had been feeling.

A older man walked by me and asked if it was my cat. I said no, and he said he thought it lived across the street. I told him my lap had been adopted, and he said it was a good sign -- that this was a good cat, and that cats always choose well. It made me smile.

Emotions

A smattering of thoughts and emotions surrounding my work:

(This may seem somewaht non-magickal/religious. Wicca stresses the sacredness of the mundane, however, and working through emotions is definitely spiritual work.)

I love science. I know I want my PhD and want to work in science. I find it fun and stimulating to think about science, and to plan experiments. I enjoy performing experiments. I have the brains to get a PhD, and I have just had bad luck with labs and supervisors.

But what if that's not it? I have been criticized for my critical thinking skills -- maybe I don't have what it takes to get a PhD. Maybe I lack the organization. Maybe I'm not bright enough and I'm just deluding myself into thinking I can do it. I've certainly known people who have deluded themselves into thinking they are good at something they are not. What makes me think I'm not one of them?

But maybe enjoying it is enough -- maybe as long as I enjoy the journey it will be okay if I crash and burn. If I fail.

I can't imagine telling my father I am quitting or that I have failed. I would feel so guilty about all of those years that W worked shit jobs and I followed my dream. (I already feel guilty about that, because it has taken longer than I wanted it to.) Maybe I have deluded my family into believing in me when they shouldn't.

I love being a mom -- more than I can say -- but I know it is unhealthy for me to have no other vocation than being a parent. That's what my mom did and it was really bad -- still is. Very guiltily, I feel like I am too smart to be "wasted" by just being a mom. (This is highly uncharitable and doesn't come up very often. I have ultimate respect for parents -- it is skilled labour even if our society says it's not.)

Am I going to get a fair chance when I go back, or are they just plotting to get me out? Or maybe they want me out of their hair and will practically hand me a PhD just to get me off their backs?

That first committee meeting is going to be hell. I am just going to have to sit there and listen to the lectures I am going to get. I have to prove them wrong -- clear my name and prove my integrity. But what if I can't?

How come I haven't made more positive impressions on people? How come I don't seem to have any allies? I have spent years there -- giving so much and I have no major contacts to show for it.

I'm turning 29 this year. What have I accomplished with my life?

But the point of life to not to accomplish (although that is nice) -- it is to enjoy and live well. W reminded me of that the other night.

I am being selfish -- I have more love than most, a happy family life, a beautiful healthy baby that brings me so much joy, 2 other children who I get to parent as well, a community of people in my house who care about me. I am so fortunate -- why should I care about work? I would much rather have a great home life than a great work life. Do you have to choose between the two? Can you be a successful scientist and a truly good mommy?

What will I do with my life if I fail here?

I need to succeed just to spite them -- to show them they can't go around doing this to people. Otherwise I will be doing a diservice to those who come after me.

There. I think I'm done for now. I feel somewhat better.

Dream

I had a bizarre dream the other night. I didn't write it up before now because I feel like it has nothing to tell me, but I don't know it won't mean something down the road.

This dream's randomness and somewhat unhappy nature was even harder to deal with since I haed asked for guidance about my work situation before I slept. I have searched, but I have no idea what guidance this dream might have been trying to give me.

In one part of the dream, I was participating in some sort of game show. I was competing against a man that I hated and that I had competed against many times before. But, I had played on this game show so many times I was tired of it. My hatred and competitive nature were warring -- I occilated from giving it my best and competing lackadaisically, with the latter usually winning. Funnily, the game show involved running a relay with an egg on a spoon -- that old picnic game.

I worried that this part of the dream meant that I secretly hated grad school and shouldn't be doing it -- that my work had been lackadaisical. I was talking to A today, and she suggested maybe it was the hoop-jumping game that is graduate school I was tired of, not the work. This made me feel somewhat better.

In another part of the dream, I was sleeping around with random men. I'm not sure why, since I didn't seem to enjoy it much. I was sleeping with a much older man, who happened to be a statistics professor. He was only one in a string of at least 3. (Just to note -- this is NOT behaviour that characterizes me in life.) In my dream, I asked my partner P, rather nonchalantly, whether it bugged him when I slept with these other men. He told me it devastated him, and that he was glad I finally asked his opinion.

I have no idea what this part of the dream could mean. The whole dream -- game show and sex -- had this empty, cold, unhealthy feeling to it that matched my mood concerning my work over the last several days. It was like reading Eliot's The Wasteland. I hated it.

Which brings me to my next post. I am going to write a smattering of the thoughts and emotions I have had surrounding my work. I am hoping this will help me get my mind in order, and start healing.

Visions

Last night while one of partners and I were making love I had a series of vivid visions. They came to me as still pictures, and appeared unrelated. A full moon in a charcoal sky over a large cluster of white canvas tents, a blue house on a hill, a forest treeline. When I thought too hard about them they vanished but returned the instant I stopped thinking and just enjoyed myself as usual. I have no idea what this means.

April Full Moon

The other day was the full moon. Since I have no ritual space, I celebrate my esbats a little differently than I would if I did have space. I spend the day being extra watchful for insights or ideas, and if none come to me I make plans to walk at night alone to the nearby park to commune with the gods. Since keeping this blog, I haven't done that yet -- I have had special insights each time.

This time, I decided I need to make a consecrated bag to keep my sigil in, as well as for any future similar spells. I have been wearing it against my skin (in my bra, actually) but it is getting worn and I have no idea how long I will be wearing it. So I plan to make a red tablet-woven bag to keep it in. I will have to attach some sort of string or chain to it to wear it around my neck. Its going to have to be discrete, and small.

I know this doesn't sound like a deep insight or anything, but it is important. I have thought of making something of the kind before, but I am no seamstress and didn't know how to go about it, and had no special reason to do so.

I'll start it soon. Maybe this is why I got the urge to take up weaving again.

Dream

The other night, I dreamed that I was scolding S (our 5-year-old) for whining. She was doing it blatantly, much more so than in real life, and repeatedly, so I ended up giving her a time-out. During the time-out, S somehow changed into A, one of the adult women in my family. A was, understandably, angry at me for trying to punish her like a child. In my dream, I was trying to defend my right to do so.

What does this mean? A says it means I am spending too much time in charge of children. She is probably right -- my Mother aspect is on overdrive lately. Maybe it also means that I need to be careful not to "mother" those who don't need it. I'm not sure.